What Does Mental Health Have To Do With Immigration?
A little while ago, I was invited to participate in an interview to discuss the impact of immigration on children. I was super excited, and maybe a tiny bit nervous. I posted the flyer on social media, and the responses were immediate. “I wish these resources would’ve existed back when I was navigating being the daughter of a refugee…”. “OMG, we need to talk about this!”. I became even more excited, because I realized that this topic was also important to other people. I knew why it was important to me. I wanted to talk about it because it spoke to my own personal experiences as a child. In a way, I anticipated it would be therapeutic to share my story. What I didn’t realize was how many people needed to hear this dialogue.
My Own Story
Although we have some shared experiences and recognize that moving from one country to another can be difficult for a child, people don’t necessarily make connections between that journey and the child’s mental health. Priorities are different for each family, depending on the reasons why they are leaving their home country in the first place. For my own family, my parents focused on safety (we were escaping a civil war) and providing for our immediate needs. Despite the financial challenges that moving to a whole new country presented, my parents provided for all our needs; we were well taken care of. We lived in a nice house in a good, quiet neighborhood. We had an abundance of food, and we went to good schools.
At the age of 12, I was old enough to understand why we had to leave home, and recognized that to be the safest option for our family. But then again, I was 12...in a new country...without friends...about to enter middle school. Before I go further, can we just pause for a moment and acknowledge how difficult middle school is even when everything is RIGHT in your life? Now, let’s add moving to a whole new continent on top of going through adolescent growing pains. The emotional and physical changes that you go through are no joke! It didn’t help that I was enrolled in school in November. The school year had already begun. Social cliques had been formed. The cool kids had already been separated from the dorks. I was 3 months behind other students who may have been new to the school. Even they had been able to form some sort of friendship by then. There was a Mexican girl who started school on the same day that I did. Out of desperation, we became “friends” for a grand total of 2 weeks (if that). I wouldn’t consider myself outgoing at 12, but I was friendly. I had many friends back home, so I was pretty confident that I could make friends here...until I opened my mouth to speak. I heard myself speak English, but the kids just stared at me. Then they looked at each other, “What did she say?”. Please understand, I come from a country whose official language is English. I was confident that I could communicate well with my peers and make friends. I realized for the first time that I had an accent! What?!! I had taken my time with my words. I think I may have even practiced those words in the mirror at home, though I don’t fully recall in detail what I wanted to say. Why weren’t they understanding me? In fact, I was sometimes teased back home about trying to sound “American”. I thought I was pretty good at it. Why wasn’t it working when I really needed it? How was I going to make friends? I gravitated towards the Black girls, because they looked like me. I would soon find out that we weren’t going to be friends just because we had the same skin color. I didn’t wear “cool” clothes, though I was always neatly dressed. I had a weird name, and that God-forsaken accent. I couldn’t do all of the latest dances. (I still can’t do them now, but I digress). This was the beginning of many social challenges I would face as a child trying to assimilate into a new culture. Somehow, I managed to form a friendship with a Black girl, Asha. She was cool, so by default, some of her friends became mine. She was always kind to me, welcomed me into her home, and taught me a lot about the African-American culture (though I’m not sure she realized it at that time). We were just young girls, hanging out. She had the same birthday as my mother, which made her even more special to me, though I’m not sure why. I suppose I took that as some sort of sign that she was meant to be in my life.
What Do Parents Need to Know?
Looking back now, there are many things that I wish the adults in my life had known. We come from a culture that doesn’t understand or recognize the importance of mental wellness, so I don’t think they were even aware of the battles being fought in my little 12 year old brain. Here are some of the things that I think immigrant parents should recognize:
Children can grieve the loss of a home. They can grieve the loss of an old life that seemed just fine to them. Even in cases where the child recognizes that the move is a necessary and positive decision for the family, they can STILL grieve the loss of their old life. Allow them to grieve. They are not being ungrateful.
It is important to check in with your child periodically, and ASK them how they are feeling. How can you provide support for your children if you don’t know what challenges they are experiencing? Ask him about his day at school. Ask her about her friends. Pay attention to whether or not your children have friends in your neighborhood. This may give you an indication of how your child is adjusting.
When children try to “fit in” and assimilate to the dominant culture, that does not necessarily mean that they are rejecting their own culture. They are trying to survive by any means necessary. Do not take it personally. This is not a slight against the parent or the culture. They are focusing on learning ways to be similar to their peers and not be singled out as different. It is not about you.
It is important to learn the signs of depression, in case your child is too young or unable to clearly articulate how they are feeling. Is your child sad or tearful all the time? Is she angry or agitated all the time for apparently no reason? Does she/he isolate or stay in the room all day? Does she/he get into frequent fights at school? (These are only a few symptoms).
If you don’t know how to support your child, seek professional help!
So What Happens When These Children Grow Up?
Now that we know some of the challenges children face, let’s talk about what this looks like for adults. One of the most common issues I have observed is an overwhelming sense of guilt. As an adult, you recognize the sacrifices your parents made in order to provide better opportunities for you. You may feel obligated to fulfill your parent’s dreams. Sometimes these dreams align with your own, and you can make your parents proud. Other times, the dreams may not match, and you find yourself struggling with fears of disappointing your parents. Of course, you don’t want your parent’s’ sacrifices to be in vain. You might end up choosing a career path you don’t feel passionate about, just to please your parents. You sacrifice your own happiness because you don’t want to disappoint your parents. What you don’t realize, though, is when you begin to make those types of sacrifices, you may also begin to harbor some feelings of resentment towards your parents. On the outside you are the dutiful child who makes your parents proud; on the inside is an angry soul who may not be as content with your life. You learn to suppress your own needs in order to please others.
What does the adult do with all those feelings? Go to therapy! Find a mental health professional who can help you to sort through all these conflicting emotions. Find someone who can help you meet your own needs. This doesn’t mean you have to reject or disappoint your parents. It means that you can learn ways to develop healthy boundaries between you and your parents, so that your lives do not have to be as intertwined. We can love and honor our parents, and still live our own lives. Your parents made the best decisions they could for themselves and for you because you were a child and unable to make those decisions for yourself. You are now an adult. It’s okay to make your own decisions. Doing THAT may just make your parents proud of you as well.
How to Find a Therapist
Hold on, hold on! Before you rush off to find a therapist, let’s briefly highlight some things you should consider when choosing a therapist:
Ask for a consultation first. Don’t pick a therapist solely based on what you read in a profile or bio. Most therapists offer free consultations (usually 15 minutes or so). Use that time to speak to the therapist and observe what kind of “vibe” you get from him/her.
Ask questions. Does the therapist have any specialized training? Has that person worked with the immigrant population before? Is there a particular type of therapy they provide? How many years of experience do they have? You may have more of your own questions to ask, and that’s completely fine. Ask as many questions as you need to make an informed decision.
You MUST choose a therapist who is culturally competent. What does that mean? It means choosing a therapist who understands your cultural identity and beliefs. This person understands the uniqueness of your culture, and is able to celebrate the things that make you different. This person also understands the challenges and barriers people within your culture may experience. Note: This person does not necessarily have to share the same nationality, race, or cultural identity as you; they need to understand and respect your culture. I cannot count how many times a client has exhaled with relief when speaking to me: “I am so happy that you get it! My other therapist was nice and all (and White), but there were some things that she just couldn’t understand!”. Someone even mentioned once that her previous therapist had questioned whether she had “imagined” some of the racial disparities she was experiencing at work. She just wanted to be able to talk about the issues bothering her at work; she did not sign up to educate her therapist about racism.
Check the license. Not everyone who offers “therapy” is licensed. Whether or not that is important is up to you to decide. (There are unlicensed professionals who do good work as well). However, if you choose an individual who is licensed, check with your state board to make sure the license is in good standing. The board also reports whether or not any complaints have been filed against that person. You may not have this option if the person is unlicensed.
You can change therapists. You are not obligated to remain with a therapist if you feel uncomfortable, if that person doesn’t understand your culture, or if you are not getting the support you need. Find another therapist. Your healing is more important than any therapist’s pride. Therapy cannot be successful if you and the therapist are not able to establish a good rapport.
Okay, so now you have some helpful tips on how you can find a therapist. Get help now, if you’re ready! Don’t forget to share this blog with anyone else who might find this information helpful. Until next time!
